My name is Bernard
I'm eighty six tomorrah
My life's been hard
I've got long tales of woe and horror
Now I do poos in other folks shoes
I sometimes forget who I am,
But really I don't give a damn about you

Cause I'm just an old-age toerag, matey
I'm just an old-age gas bag, matey
I've been a shit since I was eighty, you see
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooooooh

My best friend is Bert
His wheelchair is built for danger
If you get hurt
It's your fault for being a stranger
He lives next to me
He swears and I wee
We might not know who we are
But we're still allowed to drive a car

Cause we are just old-age toerags, buddy
We are just old-age gas bags, buddy
Don't ever call me a fuddy duddy, I'm mean
ooh-hoo-hoo-ooooooooo

Oh yeah, Toerag: No, I just don't care where I'm pissin' (x2)

Man I'm really old, It's bath night and I am smelly
Lo and behold, I'll make your life a misery
My teeth are fake, my legs start to shake
I see a damn sexy gran
Maybe she'll give a damn about....

I've got two tickets to all-night bingo Bernie-aah
Come with me Friday, I'll show you my hernia
I'm just an old age toerag, Bernie, like you
OOh-ooh-oooo-ouch...