On an L.A. bound red-eye,
4 hours of fear
Cold meal of dry chicken
And a warm can of beer
In the seat right beside me,
An overweight guy in plaid
Told me he sold detergents door-to-door,
And that his name was Big Brad
Then this jerk started yacking
About his work with bleach
As I was thinking to myself,
"That lovely stewardess smells like a peach"
I found out he did stand-up;
He ran through his routine
After 20 Pakistani jokes
I just wanted to scream....

Well-fed fellows; oh hell, can they bore ya!
Gettin' in your face (gettin' in your face)
Like a squirt of mace
Plenty of hot air, and oh hell, can they bore ya!
Watch me clench my rear, as they bend my ear

I pleaded to be re-seated,
Citing severe pain in neck
The only space was next to Reverend Bob....what the feck?
As he cried "Hallelujah!",
Hands in the air
I prayed for salvation, and tried not to swear

Warned me 'bout fornication;
Temptations of flesh
While I...was try'n to watch two lesbians in the next row get fresh
His pious voice was annoying; I had to say
"Sir, I'm off to a pagan sacrifice...there's a goat to slay!"

Hell-bent fellows; oh well, can they bore ya!
With their pompous ways (with their pompous ways)
And their fear of gays
They may wanna save ya from hot hell; hell, they bore ya!
Bible-bleating guys (bible-bleating guys)
Screw "The Friendly Skies!"

Stewardess, I'm calling...
To save me from this crap
But she said, "We are all just prisoners here; so shut yer trap"
And in the first-class chambers
They settled down to snooze
I'll stab them with my plastic spork
Eat their snacks and steal their booze

Last thing I remember, I'd locked
Myself in the john
Shrilly wailing to the cabin crew
"SERVE MY DRINKS HERE FROM NOW ON!"
Spent the night in a jail cell
Getting legless on cheap hooch
Coz I had to share my tiny bunk
With Paris Hilton's pooch....