I am the very model of a modern day scatologist
I've information e.coli, yersinia, aeromonas,
I know the animal sizes, and I quote them like biologist,
From Aplodontiidae to Viverridae, as like a zoologist;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters of sexologist,
I have seen all the porn movies, from "Eat Teen Shit" to "Granny's Piss",
About all of current events I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about what happened to the dog food.

I'm very good at ancient and the modern history;
I can the tell you shit, poop and dung's etymology
In short, in matters e.coli, yersinia, aeromonas,
I am the very model of a modern day scatologist

I know our toilet miseries, King George's and Don Simpson's;
I have studied fecal smearing in Downs patients and autistics
I can name the ingredients of digestive tract gut flora,
In cartoons I can find refrences in Shrek and Madagascar;
I can tell local brands of manure from Arkansas to Wyoming,
I know all of the jokes about monkey feces throwing,
I can sing all of the variations of the Diarrhea Song
And know how much ExLax it takes to fill up Tiananmen

I can name fecal refrences from Genesis to Revelations,
And tell you ev'ry detail of the water that you put:
In short, in matters e.coli, yersinia, aeromonas,
I am the very model of a modern day scatologist

I can you every word for it from "ass apple" to "excrement",
I have studied every species of insect Malpighian,
I have studied fecal murders and I have been at their urn,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "Santorum",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in scatology,
I know what is in Bismuth subsalicylate—
In short, when I've a smattering of fecal strategy—
You'll say a better scatologist has never sat a-gee.

For my scatologal knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters e.coli, yersinia, aeromonas,
I am the very model of a modern scatologist.